1. The food. It stinks here in the clink. Know what I had for lunch yesterday? Lucky charms. And a cold leftover dinosaur chicken nugget off of someone’s high chair tray. Don’t get your hopes up for finer fair, the cook in the mess hall has been cleaning up feces graffiti off of cell block Beckett-And-Nora and her culinary senses apparently went out with the Lysol trash.
2. Bathroom visits are supervised. Oh, what number 2 isn’t a spectator sport in your house? Your wardens must be older than 2.
3. Showering. Also supervised. And timed. For the love of everything holy don’t take longer than 5 minutes. All I can say is, I hope your wardens have more manners than mine do. Being laughed at hysterically while you soap up and shave the vitals in record time is not exactly my idea of a confidence booster.
4. There’s a good chance you’ll get shanked. Last week I took a bubble chiv to the eyeball, a trip to medic and I’m right back to the big house. Here’s the chiv, man… Look out for these.
The expression of total and utter unamusement on the minion reflects my sentiments exactly.
5. Let me guess, any attempts today to snuggle your adorable wardens was met with cool indifference? Squirmy disinterest? Yeah well just you try and sneak out of the house later for a coffee. BAM! you’ve got yourself a pair of 25 lb human leg irons. One for each leg if you’re as lucky as I am. Any attempts at escaping with those things on is moot.
6. Poop graffiti. It’s a real thing.
7. Cell inspections. Be prepared to have all your personal effects scattered on the floor. They’ll probably steal your stuff too.
But I think I’ve just about gotten the elements figured out here in the big house. They key here is bribery, blackmail and opportunistic distraction.
This here is Major Beck. I know, he looks tough. But that’s just his exterior…all he needs is a pop tart and you’ve bought yourself enough time to brush your teeth.
See? He’s not even looking man…there’s your chance!
Barbecue potatoe chips and chocolate milk. You might need a connection on the outside to procure these bribery tools…but you won’t be sorry. You’re looking at a cool ten minutes of contentment.
Watch out for the unicorn though. It’s always watching.
Blackmail gold. Level: Expert